Movie Review: Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace 3-D

I reviewed “Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace” for a newspaper back in 1999. I seem to remember I rated it two out of five, and I was of course very disappointed after the press screening. Like most kids born in the 1960s, I thought “Star Wars” -- the real “Star Wars” -- was absolutely mind-blowing when it opened in 1977. That movie when a lot to me and my friends, and probably a lot to my future career as well. I was obsessed by “Star Wars” and its characters for several years, and yeah, I loved “The Empire Strikes Back” too. However, when “Return of the Jedi” arrived, it wasn’t that much fun anymore. George Lucas had turned it into something reminiscent of “The Muppet Show” and the story and mythology was getting weirdly complicated.

Lucas should have stopped there. The new trilogy he created, starting with “The Phantom Menace,” doesn’t possess anything of the magic the original movies had. They don’t even feel like Star Wars movies. They’re a mess.

The original “Star Wars” -- the one from 1977 -- was a classic and simple adventure yarn. There was a princess who was good. There was a bad guy called Darth Vader. Luke Skywalker was the young hero of the people, who brings along a cowboy -- Han Solo -- to save the princess. They go to the Death Star, they save the princess, then they go back to the Death Star and blow it up. The end. That’s it.

There was talks about the Star Wars mythology, about the Force, Jedi Knights and the Empire, but still, this was just a good old-fashioned fairy tale, albeit with space ships and light sabres. But in this new trilogy, we get lots and lots of political intrigues, and the mythology is expanded and explained. I don’t know, but I for one sure didn’t ask for that. There are lots and lots of new characters with strange names and titles. Who are these people? I don’t care, but they sure spend a lot of time talking about what’s going on in their neck of Outer Space. It’s like making a movie about the political climate in Europe, and adding a few laser gun battles to keep the audience awake.

To make this even worse, “The Dark Menace” features some truly bad dialogue and acting. Back in the ‘70s, George Lucas only directed the first movie, and let other, better directors handle the other two. This time, Lucas wrote and directed all three movies -- and he just isn’t a very good director. Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor play The League of Failed Hairdos; Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and jeez, are they boring. Neeson is exceptionally wooden, this is before he became that cool guy he is today; the tough guy from movies like “Taken.” Swedish actress Pernilla August is one of the most boring human beings there are, and for some reason, she plays Darth Vader’s mom. She’s boring.

The kid who plays little Anakin Skywalker, the kid who grows up to become Darth Vader, is played by an annoying little mop-head called Jake Lloyd, who hasn’t made very much after this part. Understandably so. He’s pretty damn bad -- but not as awful as Hayden Christensen, who played Anakin in parts 2 and 3.

There’s a lot going on “The Phantom Menace,” but still, not very much happens. People walk, talk, walk, talk, and then suddenly, there’s a big so-called pod-race, which seems to be inspired by “Ben Hur” and which goes on forever. And I’m not sure what it has to do with the rest of the movie, more than making for a video game cash-in. And then it end with an enormous battle in space and on land and there’s absolutely no excitement or thrills. Right, and then we have that computer generated Jar Jar Binks fellow, the movie’s comic relief -- one of the most annoying and least funny creations in the history of film. What the hell was Lucas thinking when he came up with this guy?

I never re-watched “The Phantom Menace” after that press screening in ‘99. Not until today. Because now it’s once again about to open theatrically -- this time in 3-D. Having tampered with- and altered his original trilogy a couple of times, his new project is converting all six movies into 3-D. He’s going to release one movie per year, meaning we won’t get to see “Return of the Jedi” until 2016 … Why the hell didn’t he start out with the 1977 movie? That’s the one I -- and probably we all -- want to see on a big screen!

Hopefully, the technology of 3-D conversion will improve a lot before Lucas gets to his original trilogy. Because “The Phantom Menace” looks like shit. Yes, that’s right. This is just as bad as “The Last Airbender” and “Clash of the Titans.” 3-D? Hell, all that happens is that the image gets darker when you put the glasses on, and it’s slightly out of focus. A couple of scenes also look oddly digital, like they were shot using a 1980s Beta Cam -- which is weird, since this movie was shot on 35mm, unlike “Attack of the Clones” and “Revenge of the Sith,” which were shot digitally.

“The Phantom Menace” bored me to death and gave me a slight headache. However, I can’t rate it one out of five. It’s not bad enough. John Williams provides a good score. Some of the sets and locations are impressive. Some of the effects are cool.

… But I’d rather watch theatrical re-releases of other sci-fi classics. Like “Star Crash.” Or “Battle Beyond the Stars.” Even “Space Raiders.” And preferably not in 3-D!

"Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace" opens in France and Belgium on Feb. 8, in Germany, the UK, Russia, Hong Kong on Feb. 9, and in the U.S., Scandinavia and most of Europe of Feb. 10.

Images copyright © Twentieth Century Fox Sweden

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