Movie Review: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1

OK, folks -- it’s finally here! I bet you’ve been waiting -- but now all those sleepless nights are over. It’s here -- the new “Twilight” movie!

Or … Wait a sec … If I know my readers right, not one single one of you have been looking forward to this atrocity. And if someone of you really have longed for this movie, part one of the final chapter of the vampire saga, I must say I’m very surprised. See, I didn’t think 14-year-olds read my reviews.

During this past year, there’s been written mile-long columns about what we about to experience in “Breaking Dawn.” My, oh, my -- we would get hot sex scenes! And then we would have a gory childbirth scene thrown at us!

This new installment in the series is directed by Bill Condon. Bill Condon? Yup. The same fellow who made the excellent “Gods and Monsters” back in 1998. I must say it’s pretty odd going from that movie to this one -- via “Dreamgirls.”

All right. Shall we start from the beginning? Hell no, we aren’t! Shall we take it from the last movie; “Eclipse”? Yeah, that’s a better idea. So, what happened in that one?

Hmm.

I don’t remember. I have to look up and read my review of that movie.

(Looking my review up -- play some fitting music during this intermission. Why not Bill Conti’s theme from “I, the Jury”?)

Now I’ve read what I wrote last year. “Eclipse” was about … nothing at all, really. Miss Valium 2010, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), didn’t know whom to choose. Edward the vampire (Robert Pattinson) or Jacob the werewolf (Taylor Lautner)? Edward or Jacob, Jacob or Edward … Back and forth, back and forth, over and over and over again. Through out the movie. It was absolutely insufferably. Nothing lead anywhere. There were a couple of fights with evil vampires, but it felt like they had been thrown in to prevent the movie from consisting only of empty dialogue and blank looks. A lousy movie.

… But the question is if “Breaking Dawn” isn’t even worse. Breaking dawn? Breaking wind, rather. And not a majestic fart, but a silent sneaky one, that unnoticed makes people nausea.

Bella is finally about to marry Edward, and Jacob gets grumpy and runs into the woods. Indeed he already lives in the woods, but he runs so far into the woods he ends up in northern Canada. And Bella suffers from nightmares in which blood flows on her wedding. And she has problems breaking in her new, pretty shoes!

Edward suddenly says that he hasn’t told Bella everything about himself. Told in flashbacks we learn that Edward back in the 1930s was curious about human blood -- and hunted down murderers which he killed. Why didn’t we get a movie about that instead? That’s far more interesting than Edward’s and Bella’s anemic relationship. And why aren’t we watching “Bride of Frankenstein,” the movie Edward is watching in the scenes from the ‘30s?

The wedding does however take place -- in trendy forest locations. Among the guests are both humans and vampires -- and a couple of werewolves (but in human guise). Some of the vampires don’t like that the werewolves are there. The werewolves apparently killed a vampire in the last movie, something I of course don’t remember. People hold speeches. Bella’s dad (Billy Burke, who’s looking more and more like Tom Skerrit) says he’s a cop. But oh, no! Jacob’s not showing! But it turns out he’s hiding nearby in the woods and gets to meet Bella in secret.

Then Bella and Edward go on honeymoon to Brazil. And now it’s time for some horizontal boogaloo! Cherry popping time. Bella brushes her teeth and shaves her legs -- and then she walks out to Edward for some moonlit skinny dipping. And then they enter the bedroom and have a go at it, so hard they literally tear the bed apart. Hey-ho, let’s go!

But we hardly get to see anything. This love making is very chaste. But in one scene, in which Bella crawls up in Edward’s arms, we actually get a glimpse of Kristen Stewart’s left nipple for about a half second. Stop the press! Call Celebrity Sleuth!

What happens next? Well, believe it or not, but Bella is knocked up. Immediately! And she’s ill. The fetus is growing really fast and Bella’s body can’t handle it. Is she dying? Everybody gets mad at each other. Bella tricks her dad into believing she’s still on vacation, while she’s really in the vampire family’s house; they’re taking care of her. Jacob wants to kill Edward! The werewolves want to kill the vampires!

They realize the fetus needs blood -- so they pour blood in a plastic mug with a lid which Bella drinks from. With a straw! Straight from McBlood’s?

The pregnancy lasts almost the whole movie, until they have enough and cut Bella’s belly up and pick the kid out. And this is not a spoiler, since everybody knows this is about to happen, even those who haven’t read the books, thanks to all that’s been written about these “gory, blood-soaked scenes.” If you expect a blood bath, you’ll be disappointed. If you expect something shocking, you’ll be disappointed. You have to be very, very young to find this shocking and controversial.

Then there happens a little more, and then we get a cliff hanger for part two, which doesn’t open until next year.

So. What is this? Well, this is … bad. Not only is the movie aimed at 11-year-olds. The screenplay -- especially the dialogue -- seems like it’s written by 11-year-olds. The sex scenes feel like something an 11-year-old will find naughty.

As usual I wonder why Edward and Bella are so attracted to each other. They’re two of the most boring characters we’ve seen in modern history. Jeez, they spend most of their honeymoon playing chess! Just like in the earlier movies, it’s the vampire babe Alice (Ashley Greene) who’s lust worthy. She’s a hottie and has charisma. Edward and Bella seem to want to bore each other to death.

But on the other hand, this movie’s target audience doesn’t give a shit about Bella and Edward being boring, they’re only interesting in seeing Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.

One scene made me shake with laughter and slap my knees. The werewolf pack turn into wolves and have some kind of powwow. They’re standing in a ring and growl at each other. But to make us understand what they’re saying, we hear their human voices as voice overs! This is totally insane. They spew pompous lines about who’s the leader and about power and laws and I don’t know what, but it all seems like a deleted scene from “The Muppet Show.” Revolt of the Cookie Monster! (OK, the Cookie Monster was in “Sesame Street.” But still.)

The earlier movies featured some action and attempts at thrills, when evil vampires roamed the country and killed people -- but elements like that are totally lacking in “Breaking Dawn.” As I mentioned, most of the movie is about Bella being tormented by her growing belly.

… And what about that 1980s goth band? Those mighty vampires with funny haircuts who spend their days and nights sitting in antique chairs in a damp Italian castle? No, they’re hardly in this one. They pop up briefly in a nightmare at the beginning, and they don’t return until the end credits roll as some kind of comic relief.

This is really piss-awful. “Breaking Dawn” is bad in most ways, it’s boring as hell (breaking yawn) and can only be appreciated by a completely uncritical young audience. An audience that won’t read this review -- or other reviews. Naturally they don’t give a shit about eventual qualities or lack thereof. As long as they get to see their idols, they’re happy.

As per usual, the story and dialogue are permeated by writer Stephenie Meyer’s strict religious, Mormon conception of life. And according to her, the Victorian 19th century seems to be what we should strive for.

The new “Twilight” -- now even crappier! The question is how the next part, the very last one, will turn out. If they manage to make an even worse movie, they deserve some kind of award …

Images copyright © Nordisk Film

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